It's been such a long time since I properly update this space. 

It used to be my safe space - I'd pen down all my thoughts, everything that has happened during the day. I loved the fact that I could call it my online diary (when it was still trendy lol) but nobody blogs anymore these days.

I've been busy. Really busy with work, family, relationship, friendships, working out and more working out.

It's funny how I got into working out, because I never would have imagine myself loving fitness 12 years ago. And now, it is my dream and passion to be able to spread the love of fitness to people around me. 

GROWING UP YEARS

I was never an active child when I was young. I hated physical education (PE) or anything that has gotta do with moving. I've never been skinny, just on the chubbier side, I guess?

I was subjected to a lot of teasing during my growing years. In primary school, there was this mean girl whom I regarded as a friend wrote to me in class that I ran as fast as a pig. (Er like... What?)

Needless to say, she wasn't my friend anymore. Wherever she is right now, I hope she got her facts sorted out right cos pigs don't run fast. Lol.

I was in TAF club for 3-months in secondary school because my BMI exceeded by a tiny bit! I felt so demoralised. My peers would tease me and said I was in the "FAT" club. I was so miserable. 

At the age of 14,  I started to go on diets. I ate lesser. I'd skip lunch. Skip dinner. All to lose the extra weight I have always been so conscious about. 

It paid off, the PE teacher said I didn't have to attend TAF club in the morning anymore. But of course, the body-shaming and teasing didn't stop there.

When I was 16, I remembered this auntie -- she was just comparing my body and her daughter's. She told me, "You know, you're a girl. Your thigh is quite big, girls should have skinnier thighs. Look nicer."

Her daughter whispered to me that to lose weight, "just eat porridge with no meat."

I was shocked. 

It's really sad that we have to adhere to society's perception of a perfect body. And to reach that body size, it'd probably be a BMI less than the healthy range. 

Of course, I've been subjected to body-shaming comments all my life. And I was affected by these comments all the time. 

Back then, I'd even hide and cry after hearing these demeaning comments.

Falling in Love with Fitness

When I was 19, a newe gym opposite my house opened. I was quite conscious about my body at that time, because everyone looked so skinny in school. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't skinny either. 

So I signed up. Papa and my brother were beside me, and my father gave the green light for me to sign up for the monthly membership!

I was introduced to a world of privileges that I've never had before. A month of membership allowed me to use the gym and its facilities any time I wanted. There was sauna, rainshower, and drinks we could refill and best of all, unlimited group exercise classes.

I joined everything. From Zumba to Yoga, I pushed myself to go everyday to make the membership fee worthwhile. It got to a point I'd even skip lectures just to go to the gym. Oh man, those days.

Back then, fitspo was in trend. I started researching more into it - and to lose weight drastically, it was to have a calorie deficit. I downloaded MyFitnessPal app, and started to track my calories intensively.

At the age of 20, I was at my skinniest. I was 45kg! I steered clear of carbs, and if I do take carbs, it'd be complex carbs. I avoided desserts, and would only eat desserts made at home whereby I'd grind steel cut oats in my blender so I could control what was inside it.

I guess my friends hated going out with me too (hahahha) because at that age, everyone just wants to drink alcohol whereas me? I'd be at the corner drinking hot tea (with no sugar no milk) or either just plain water.

That was literally my lifestyle. Meal prep every Sunday, calorie tracking everyday and gym 4-5 times a week.

Of course, when the compliments started flowing in, I was so proud of my progress. Nobody called me fat anymore, I had abs. I was even interviewed by the newspaper about my fitspo journey! 

Behind the Perfect Body

But what people didn't know was.....

- The calorie deficit was extremely huge. I was barely hitting 1000 calories per day, yet I was burning 500 calories on days when I work out. 

- I started having digestive issues, my stomach was in constant pain if I ate anything unhealthy.

- I'd dig my throat and throw up in the toilet if I ate TOO MUCH, so that I wouldn't exceed my calorie count. It was that bad.

- My immune system got weaker - I was constantly getting sinus infections, sick and weak

The Present

Fast forward to this day, I am now back to my old weight. The weight that I hated in the past, but not anymore now.

I am more confident now than ever, and I am happy.

I was always on diet all the time, and I stopped 4 years back. Just eating food that makes me happy, and I stopped counting calories. I still work out a lot though, but I'm no longer harsh on my body.

The weight bounced back, but I don't really care - as long as I'm healthy and happy!

And now? I'm teaching fitness programs that help people to get fitter and healthier :')

If there was one thing I'd tell my younger self, it'd be to cherish your body. This body you're in is capable of so many wonderful things. Your strong body carries you every day, you get to do things that you love and that's only made possible because of your body.

It's true what they say - your body is your temple.

Cherish it, it will always, always be there for you. Forever.