My head is in a very dark place now.

Sinking deeper and deeper as each day passes by. Why is Papa not awake yet?
Why?


"His organs are failing. His skin is breaking down. His brain showed no signs of activity for the past 11 days. Focus on spending the last moments with him."

It wasn't like that 2 weeks ago.
Papa held my hands at 10pm on 17th May.

"Girl, faster go home. It's late.. See me tomorrow ok? You always don't bear to leave me one leh."

It was true.

Over the span of 28 days my father's been hospitalised, I didn't like the idea of telling him goodnight and leave him in the dark wards of the hospital.

We'd tell him "goodnight" and then make our way to the hallway of the ward but I'd always turn back and walk towards his bed again just to make sure he was okay, that he was comfortably tuck in bed.


The unfortunate event on May 18 keeps on playing over and over in my head, haunting me every f-king night. The curtains all drawn, the group of nurses and doctors gathered over him. My brother burying his head into his knees and crying. My mum weeping. His heart stopped for two times.

Why didn't you wait for us Pa?



I will never come to terms with what has happened to Papa, this shouldn't have happened to him. He don't deserve this.

Papa and I were just talking about "code blue" a few weeks back. It sounded scary. But I was so certain it wouldn't happen to him. But it did.



It's easy for the staffs to tell us to move on, it's easy to say that he's probably not going to make it and we've to learn to take care of ourselves. It's easy to allocate more social workers and counselors to provide emotional support for us. But it can never, ever repair a broken heart. A heart that's been shattered into million pieces, knowing that Papa is in this state and the chances of him recovering are close to 0.1%, "unless a miracle happens" - as quoted by them.

Talk is cheap. How do I move on when I haven't fulfilled my duties as his daughter?
We've got a long way to go, a long journey to embark together, he has to be there for us during our milestones..

It pains me so much; and each day only gets worst. I need him back.
What does he need? Platelets? Ok I give. An additional kidney? Take mine.

It seems like we've hit a wall. If given dialysis, he may not make it through. If not given dialysis, the toxins will eventually accumulate and his body will shut down still.


I don't know... What do you want God?


I'm not sure what will happen if You ever take Papa away from us, away from me.



Tell me God.. How do I take this pain away? Will you spare his life and return him back to us?
Please, God.