My head is in a very dark place now.
Sinking deeper and deeper as each day passes by. Why is Papa not awake yet?
Why?
"His organs are failing. His skin is breaking down. His brain showed no signs of activity for the past 11 days. Focus on spending the last moments with him."
It wasn't like that 2 weeks ago.
Papa held my hands at 10pm on 17th May.
"Girl, faster go home. It's late.. See me tomorrow ok? You always don't bear to leave me one leh."
It was true.
Over the span of 28 days my father's been hospitalised, I didn't like the idea of telling him goodnight and leave him in the dark wards of the hospital.
We'd tell him "goodnight" and then make our way to the hallway of the ward but I'd always turn back and walk towards his bed again just to make sure he was okay, that he was comfortably tuck in bed.
The unfortunate event on May 18 keeps on playing over and over in my head, haunting me every f-king night. The curtains all drawn, the group of nurses and doctors gathered over him. My brother burying his head into his knees and crying. My mum weeping. His heart stopped for two times.
Why didn't you wait for us Pa?
I will never come to terms with what has happened to Papa, this shouldn't have happened to him. He don't deserve this.
Papa and I were just talking about "code blue" a few weeks back. It sounded scary. But I was so certain it wouldn't happen to him. But it did.
It's easy for the staffs to tell us to move on, it's easy to say that he's probably not going to make it and we've to learn to take care of ourselves. It's easy to allocate more social workers and counselors to provide emotional support for us. But it can never, ever repair a broken heart. A heart that's been shattered into million pieces, knowing that Papa is in this state and the chances of him recovering are close to 0.1%, "unless a miracle happens" - as quoted by them.
Talk is cheap. How do I move on when I haven't fulfilled my duties as his daughter?
We've got a long way to go, a long journey to embark together, he has to be there for us during our milestones..
It pains me so much; and each day only gets worst. I need him back.
What does he need? Platelets? Ok I give. An additional kidney? Take mine.
It seems like we've hit a wall. If given dialysis, he may not make it through. If not given dialysis, the toxins will eventually accumulate and his body will shut down still.
I don't know... What do you want God?
I'm not sure what will happen if You ever take Papa away from us, away from me.
Tell me God.. How do I take this pain away? Will you spare his life and return him back to us?
Please, God.
7 days ago - 16th May:
Papa's face lit up when he saw Gerald and I walking into Ward 36. We were holding a helium balloon, and a cake sat on his bedside table.
It was his birthday, 16th May and though that'd be the very last place we'd want to celebrate his birthday at, it was the least we could do to bring a smile to his face. He's been in the hospital for the past 28 days, and we can't wait for him to be discharged.
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It was his birthday, 16th May and though that'd be the very last place we'd want to celebrate his birthday at, it was the least we could do to bring a smile to his face. He's been in the hospital for the past 28 days, and we can't wait for him to be discharged.
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Fast forward to right now, 23rd May:
Papa is now lying in the ICU - fighting for his life. Less than 48 hours from 16th May, he went into a cardiac arrest. It was all so sudden.
On Friday night, Papa still told us, "See you guys tomorrow.. Faster go home. Buy my favourite wanton mee tomorrow ok?"
He didn't even get to see us on Saturday. He didn't even get to eat his favourite wanton mee from Pasir Ris Hilltop hawker centre. Why?
I love him so much - despite the years of bickering, deep down I know he has always wanted the best for us. He wanted us to go to church with him on Sundays. He wanted us to go travel together as a family. He wanted Gerald and me to get along well. He prayed for us and loved us so, so much.
I miss talking to him.. I miss telling him about my day, I'd rush to the hospital after work for fear he'd be alone, and I wanted to spend dinnertime with him. I wanted to know how was his day - what happened during the day, if he'd had a hearty lunch, if anyone bullied him or how many times he's gone to the toilet.
My temper is the worst in the family, and I believed my ill-temperedness took after him a little. I stood up whenever I feel something is not right, and I'd always say whatever's on my mind - no matter what.
When I got my heart broken, he was so upset and told me I deserved better. When I needed help to set up my very first flea, he drove my luggages down and stood there the entire day to sell my clothings with me despite no knowledge of girls' clothings, etc.
There're so many things I want to do with you, my dearest Pa. I want to come home to see you sitting at the living room, watching your favourite TV dramas and eating dinner. I want you to ask me to help you to switch off the bedroom lights. I want to hear you encouraging me to chase after my dreams.
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God, if you love my father and if you love us, please give him a chance at life again and restore youth and life back to his organs again.
Amen.
On Friday night, Papa still told us, "See you guys tomorrow.. Faster go home. Buy my favourite wanton mee tomorrow ok?"
He didn't even get to see us on Saturday. He didn't even get to eat his favourite wanton mee from Pasir Ris Hilltop hawker centre. Why?
I love him so much - despite the years of bickering, deep down I know he has always wanted the best for us. He wanted us to go to church with him on Sundays. He wanted us to go travel together as a family. He wanted Gerald and me to get along well. He prayed for us and loved us so, so much.
I miss talking to him.. I miss telling him about my day, I'd rush to the hospital after work for fear he'd be alone, and I wanted to spend dinnertime with him. I wanted to know how was his day - what happened during the day, if he'd had a hearty lunch, if anyone bullied him or how many times he's gone to the toilet.
My temper is the worst in the family, and I believed my ill-temperedness took after him a little. I stood up whenever I feel something is not right, and I'd always say whatever's on my mind - no matter what.
When I got my heart broken, he was so upset and told me I deserved better. When I needed help to set up my very first flea, he drove my luggages down and stood there the entire day to sell my clothings with me despite no knowledge of girls' clothings, etc.
There're so many things I want to do with you, my dearest Pa. I want to come home to see you sitting at the living room, watching your favourite TV dramas and eating dinner. I want you to ask me to help you to switch off the bedroom lights. I want to hear you encouraging me to chase after my dreams.
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God, if you love my father and if you love us, please give him a chance at life again and restore youth and life back to his organs again.
Amen.
Hello love, I wonder how'd I ever got so lucky.
Thank you for being so ever patient with my ever-changing emotions, and sticking by when the going got a little tough. For pulling me back to keep me grounded, for embracing my flaws and loving me. All of me.
New chapter, you and me.
Like what you've said - there's more to come.
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I can't wait xx.
I never thought I'd see this day coming, but to be honest - I'm so glad it did.
Several drafts lying around in my blogger dashboard and I never found the courage to complete them..
The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster for myself. I'd find myself struggling to get back up during my lowest point, not wanting to get out of bed and just completely stopped loving myself.
Absolutely, eternally grateful to my closest group of friends who have been nothing but supportive throughout this entire journey. They held my hands every single day, they've seen me through during the darkest times, they were always there. My pillars of strength.
And realisation dawned on me finally - I did not lose anything at all. In fact, I've gained so much during this period - genuine friendships, valuable life lessons and knowing what I truly deserve.
I didn't deserve someone who couldn't reciprocate the amount of love I gave away so freely.
I didn't deserve someone who wants me to be someone whom I'm not.
To you girls out there:
Love is a conscious decision. It always has been.
And if someone can't accept and love you the way you are, leave.
Been staying in Doha for the past 1.5 month already, and it's surprising there's so much more to explore about Qatar! Its swamp forests, beaches, sand forts, dunes and many more. This time, I googled the best burger places in Doha, and I found one really near us!!
ASPIRE PARK, QATAR
Burgeri
Located just adjacent to the back of Villagio Mall (near Laduree entrance), we realised that Burgeri is actually located in Aspire Park, which is sooo cool. We went there for lunch on a weekend afternoon, and the park was really gorgeous in the daytime. There are families and joggers around, but serene enough for you to enjoy moments with nature.
The industrial style interior of Burgeri is TOTALLY hashtag house goals. So many details into their decor and lots of details in each area too.
Plenty of light, feels like a small little cafe in the huge park.
My favourite person in the whole wide world.... So much misses for this one. :'(
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| Featuring Wagyu Mushroom Melt and Wagyu Majestic Double, along with our sweet potato fries, onion rings and lemonade tea |
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| The bread was soft, in a goo way because it was a great combination. |
The moment I took a bite out of my Wagyu Mushroom Melt burger, I knew that this was the ONE. The meat was succulent and juicy, not like your typical kind of meat patty. The entire combination of mushrooms, cheese and beef go so well together that it'd be hard to not go for a second helping.
Sugar and Spice
Next to Burgeri is Sugar and Spice, a dainty pretty fairytale-like decorated candy house cafe serving western food and desserts. D said we could go there for some desserts after our lunch. Highlight of the day! Heehee.
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| Ain't the cafe cute! |
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| The interior is sooo pretty too! |
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| Thankful for this man. He pampers me like a princess most of the time, feel so blessed to have him in my life. |
After much consideration, (SO MANY OPTIONS in the menu) we settled for this cake in a jar which turned out to be pure AWESOME, just a tad sweet. The malty aroma mixed with warm chocolate cake chunks and vanilla ice cream complement each other very well. Just thought they can cut down on the caramel!
Am a big fan of this blueberry cheesecake too! The cheesecake is so decadent and tasty, unlike the bland ones you'd find in established coffee joints. *Ahem*
There's two other cafes in Aspire Park as well, which we didn't have the chance to check out due to time constraint. However, Burgeri is definitely a must-try, along with Sugar and Spice! :)
We did a traditional photo shoot with the Qatari local costumes just a night back, and it's super cute!
Don't think we can pass them off as well as the locals do, but it was definitely a once in a lifetime experience.
Dear went for the Saudi Arabian style, which I stuck to the stylist's recommendation.
By the way, we did our shoot for QR80 (around SGD 30) at Mia Bazaar, just located right outside The Museum of Islamic Art :) It's a fortnightly weekend market that happens every once in a while, with many vendors selling food and handmade stuffs!
So much fun doing the shoot because we've never done such a photoshoot wearing traditional costumes before! People started gathering around us and taking photos! We were sweat profusely - not sure whether because we were abit nervous or the warm night. Hahaha.
Loving Doha so far :)
